the simple things

It is truly amazing to watch a small child play and try and figure things out.  John has headed back to school for his last class of the day (he has a few hours in between classes), leaving Johnny and me to hang out.  Really, Johnny should be napping right now (he is tired and mommy really needs a break), but instead he has decided to do some rearranging for me.  By "rearranging" I mean he has decided to take each and every book off of our book case (off the shelves he can reach) one by one, walk over to me very carefully and then hand me the book with a huge pacifier grin on his face.  If any of you have ever been to our house or ever helped us move, you understand the horrifying volume of books that we own.  I could have said no, I could have saved myself from all of the work of putting the books back on the shelf (especially since I still have a little bit of a cold in my sinuses and it makes my head pound to do too much moving around)...but if you could see how happy it made him to hand me a book & hear "thank you, bubby, you are such a big help", you would've too.

He is a boy, and boys get into everything...for him, this is some amazing fun to take the books off the shelf one by one and hand them to me.  Being as old as I am (the ripe old age off twenty-two), my mind has been corrupted and influenced in ways that make it difficult for me at times to understand what it is like to take pleasure from the simple things.  The good thing about being a parent though is that there are times when you watch your child trying to learn something new and you can step back and just exist in that very moment...and only that moment.  Sometimes, if you detach yourself just enough to let the rest of the world fall away, you can find yourself smiling over a pile of books slowly building in your lap, or your son's  little heartbeat against your chest as they nap, or even the first smell of autumn that reminds you of leaves & cider & school & cuddling with a good book.

From one perspective, this day seemed to be slow & unproductive, but from another perspective I was involved in creating memories for my son...maybe someday my son will smell autumn or see a stack of books and have warm memories of me with him (I can only hope)...Today my son taught me something too; helped to shift my perspective.  He helped me to step back and enjoy the simple things.  I am creating memories for him & he is creating memories for me, and sometimes it astonishes me just how much impact one little person could have on my life.

I wish I could see the world from his eyes; so innocent and so much hope & trust & awe.  Why do we lose so much of that as we grow older?  It seems like you spend your childhood trying to grow up as fast as you can so you can "know everything", and then you spend your adulthood trying to undo the jaded outlook & try and envying those still young enough to have the most optimistic worldview.  I guess that is why being a parent is so wonderful...you get to keep your knowledge and your memories, but your child keeps you grounded and reminds you to relax every now and then & to stop and appreciate the simple things in life.  Who knew we need them as much as they need us?  God, apparently.  He created the perfect bond in the world: love.  And this bond is usually the most naked and real to us in the simple moments & the little things we do for each other, like spending the afternoon smiling & watching your toddler hand you books with a proud smile on his face.

*Now if only I can make getting him to nap as peaceful* ;)

Edited note: It is 6.32 right now and the few hours that have passed since the delightful & contemplative post that is directly above this edited note have been horrid.  Johnny got really grumpy and tired and it took the little energy I had (due to illness) just to get him to fall asleep.  Less than an hour later he wakes up screaming & thrashing.  The next 45 minutes was an all-out brawl between me and the Terrible Two.  I call him the "Terrible Two" because in these moments he is NOT the sweet little Johnny that I like to claim as my son.  This brawl involved a hulk-strength toddler hitting me in the face repeatedly, wrestling with, screaming blood-curdling screams (I'm sure the neighbors think I am abusing him, since some of these screaming tantrums are daily), and eventually mommy breaking down into uncontrollable sobs...yes, you heard me: I cried.

The last 15 minutes consisted of Johnny screaming and crying and thrashing and hitting (I couldn't let him go because he kept trying to hit his head against walls and throw himself backwards off the bed)--all while I'm sobbing & yelling "no" & desperately pleading & praying that he will just stop crying long enough for John to get home from school.  Eventually the screaming & thrashing did subside (at which time I was utterly exhausted) and the Terrible Two drifted off into sleep...somehow becoming his sweet little Johnny self again).

Fast forward until about 10 minutes ago when my son woke up from his nap.  His daddy went and got him and was greeted with huge smiles (totally unfair).  Once Johnny was out in the living room, my son then proceeded to hit himself in the head, look @ me, make a sound like me sobbing/yelling, and then laugh.  Yes, LAUGH.  Like deep belly laughs & hysterics.  He didn't just do this once...no, he proceeded to repeat this over and over again for ten minutes.  John seems not to want to believe that his "sweet precious Johnny" could do this or that he is reenacting our fight, but it seems too much of a coincidence that he would hit his head, look @ ME, then laugh hysterically.

What kind of monster came from my womb??  Where did my sweet little boy who always loved mommy & gave her kisses go???  It is going to be a LONG road out of the terrible twos.  And I sincerely hope that the saying "the terrible twos, trying threes, and freaking fours" has no substance or truth to it @ all.  I hope this ends soon.  Very soon.  My sanity cannot take much more.  I am teetering on the edge of curling into the fetal position in the corner and pulling my hair out the next time he decides to throw a tantrum over nothing.  *Sigh*  Seeing as how this is a daily occurrence & time outs don't seem to work since he has mastered the "toddler back" (aka "limp noodle", "boneless", "spineless") and I can't actually get him to sit in a corner, I don't think this stage is going to end soon enough.  Wish me luck everyone, and don't be surprised if very soon I am writing to you all from within the walls of a mental institution.  Lucky for Johnny I love him so darn much. Grrr.

Snow

Yes, you read the title correctly.  Snow.  Here in Denver.  In SEPTEMBER.  Where has John dragged me???  For the past couple of days there has been snow in parts of the city and it has been very cold and a little rainy.  I expected the snow and the cold...but during the WINTER, like most sane people do.  I didn't expect it to snow on the cusp of Summer and Fall.  Autumn is one of my favorite seasons, so I was looking forward to the crisp, slightly cold weather & all of the leaves changing colors.  Apparently here in Denver, they decide to skip that season altogether.  It is going to be a loooonnnngggg two years. *Sigh*

Other than the disgusting snow and coldness (blech), I haven't written the past few days because I have had a cold (double-blech).  It never got really bad, but I was mildly miserable for a few days.  Still a bit of a sore throat, but not too bad.  Being sick sucks, but I'm desperately hoping and praying that Johnny doesn't get sick too.  Once I am over this and once I'm sure that Johnny didn't catch it too, we're going to go get our flu shots.  They say that you should get your regular seasonal flu shot now and then go and get the H1N1 vaccines when they come available (though you could get both at the same time).  While I have been recovering from a cold, I have been getting crafty and I plan on doing a lot of crafty things for Johnny and around the apartment.  I am actually pretty excited about that.   I think it might give me goals to work towards while we are here, and it will be nice to have something to do that I enjoy while Johnny is sleeping.  I will try and post pictures of any fun projects that I do here on this site in the future.

John just left about 20 minutes ago for class.  This is his second week of classes at the University of Denver.  He seems like he likes them, even though he got a really poor pick of classes at registration time (something to do with the fact that they accepted a couple hundred grad students for International Affairs and didn't have enough classes to offer all of them).  He has a French class since you have to pass a proficiency test in a language in order to graduate.  He could have chosen to pursue German (his minor in college) or even Spanish (took three years of it in high school), but alas! he wants to learn French.  The good news is that all students in the International Affairs Masters program get unlimited free access to Rosetta Stone online while they are working on their degree.  So for two years John can learn or work on ANY language he wants online (and I could too).  That is really nice.  He has two other classes too: a Statistics class (blech) and some upper level International Affairs class that deals with issues of health care and urbanization or something like.  That one actually seems pretty interesting.


As for working, as some people know John had been offered a job with Greenpeace over the summer after he interviewed for it in Seattle.  He was really excited about the job and was fully intending on working for them, but once he registered for classes he realized that there wouldn't be a way for him to work for Greenpeace even part-time, let alone full-time.  So, he was forced to let that job go, which sucks but he isn't too bummed about it (he is hoping to try and work there in the summer or even next year if his schedule is more flexible).  

Instead John tried to focus on getting a work study job and yesterday he interviewed for a position in the Research section of the Library on campus and was offered the position within a couple of hours.  So, he will most likely be training for that and starting on Friday.  This work study job pays a more than his job at Greenpeace or at another work study would've paid and they will give him hours even after his work study hours are over too, which is nice.  This is only a part-time job that he will work probably in the blocks in-between his classes or in the early afternoon for a few days a week. (He can do his homework at this job too!) Because it is only part-time, John wants to get another part-time job or something for in the afternoons/early evenings (or maybe a morning weekend day).  I think he is looking at places like Whole Foods or REI or other retail places like that.  His experience working for the WA State Employment Security office seems to be something that has benefited him, so we're praying he'll find a job soon, if that is what he decides.  

As for me, right now it looks like I will be staying home with Johnny mainly.  We don't want to put Johnny in daycare again (besides, daycare costs a lot and you can't get daycare in the evenings or weekends anyway), so it would be pretty difficult for me to get a job to work around John's schedules.  I may end up getting a part-time job, but we haven't decided yet.  It would be nice if I could just go out and get a job too, but John has more work experience related to what is hiring in Denver right now, unfortunately.  So, for now, my job is taking care of Johnny and all other house-related tasks at this point.  I'm pretty good at being a homebody actually, but if it ever gets to the point that I start resembling a Stepford Wife or I feel like walking into a grocery store armed, I will breathe and remind myself that in two short years I will be working on my Master's degree. ;) 

Well, anyway, that is all the updates that I have right now.  I just wanted to fill you guys in on all things snow/illness/school/work related.  :)  Will keep you updated as things progress here in the Mile High City...hopefully I will have more exciting things to update in the future. 

Love to all!  Miss everyone back in WA! :)

my life in limbo

I guess I am now a "Denverite"...though I don't feel like one.  I still find myself referring to Spokane or WA when I say "here" or "home".  I do not feel like I am actually living in Denver; as if this is just some intermittent place or abstract place that I happen to be at for the time being.  I'm not sure if I'll ever get used to the idea that I LIVE in Denver.  Perhaps I will always view Spokane and the Northwest as HOME. That is fine with me.  John says that eventually I will get used to it & Denver will start being "home" to me.  He has gone through this before too, he says.  I wonder if he really has?  He spent his entire life moving around: Spokane-Nevada-Indonesia-California-then WA again.  Sure, he has lived in WA for the past ten years, but does he feel the same connection to WA that I do?  WA has been my home for 22 years...that is all I've ever known.  

Don't get me wrong--I like Denver.  The climate is very similar to Spokane's, there are the beautiful Rockies outlining the western horizon, trees line every single street, there is lots of things to do here, and there is a more eco-friendly vibe to the city as well.  Then there are the aspects of the city that continually remind me that this isn't home: the fact that it is a city of 2.5 million, the elaborate/scary/confusing interstate & highway system, the "midwest" attitude that is different from people in the northwest, the bizarre weather (like daily rainstorms @ 3pm or the almost nightly thunderstorms), among other things.  Then there is the daily reminder that I don't know anybody here.  Back in WA I had all of my family & loads of friends. Here I feel all alone in a huge city.  If I even want to see my family there is the daunting & exhausting-even-thinking-about-it prospect of a two day drive through the flattest, ugliest, emptiest drive through Wyoming & Montana to even get home.  John has his own life with school & work.  My life is the apartment with Johnny.  I try to get out and do things, but the city is so overwhelming that it is hard to see myself feeling comfortable going out and doing things on a regular basis.

I finally met some people on Monday.  They were really nice.  Met them on a Denver Mommies group online.  We got together for a playdate @ the Flatirons Mall that is in Broomfield (pretty much halfway between Denver & Boulder).  I had to drive on I-270 & US-36 by myself for the first time to get there.  I ended up getting lost (which I'm sure is a BIG surprise to anyone who knows me) trying to find I-270...had to have John coach the directions to me over the phone.  Then when I finally DID get on I-270 I felt like that part in Clueless when they get on the freeway accidentally and are screaming because they trucks & cars are zooming by and they think they are going to die.  The speed limit was either 55 or 65 depending on the part of the freeway I was on, and people were easily going 80-90...they were riding my ass or zooming by and I was clutching the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles were turning white.  Johnny was sleeping in the backseat as if this was just any other drive in the car with mommy.  

By the time I reached the mall I was kissing the ground in relief.  The mall was HUGE--we don't have anything like these malls in Spokane.  This mall was a lot better than the Cherry Creek mall we went to this last weekend in Denver--most of the shops were high-end stores that we don't have in Spokane & a lot of the people were really snobby.  I finally found the outside sand pit/play area for kids and we had the playdate.  The other moms were nice and both also had two year old boys.  Johnny was really shy.   The drive back was a lot less nerve-wrecking than the drive there, but I still felt like I had no clue where I was going.  I'm not confident that I will get the hang of driving here or finding my way around in the two years we're here.  It's funny, at times the two years feel like forever--like an endless amount of time that I have to endure living a thousand miles away from my family & friends.  Other times the two years feel like too-short of time to see all the things I want to see here in Denver...too short of time to get used to driving or to a big city.  Maybe I have a split-personality; I can't make up my mind...I have no clue if these two years should be viewed as a blessing or a curse. ??

 

  

 

Like I've said, most of the three weeks we've lived here has consisted of us in our apartment unpacking & trying to adjust.  We have seen a few things so far: we went to Washington Park over Labor Day weekend & had a picnic, we have gone to the local park w/ Johnny, we have gone to Cherry Creek mall, we went to Kids Fun Fest 2009 (which is a lot like Kids' Free Day @ the Park in Spokane)--it was a lot of fun & they handed out a lot of free organic snacks to the kids, the Flatirons Mall (minus John), downtown Denver (when we went to the Kids Fun Fest), the library (just a local one, not the huge downtown one yet; we have library cards now though!), the University of Denver campus (where John is going to Grad school), and various stores like Target, Safeway, etc.  When we were @ Kids Fun Fest, they gave out actual carrots with the long leaves and all--it quickly became Johnny's friend until he realized he could eat it and gnawed on the entire thing.  :)  Our friend Dan visited us the first weekend we were here, which was fun.  We got to spend an evening with him & I got to use my fondue pot for the first time! :)  We haven't seen Dan since I was pregnant so it was great to be able to catch up with him in person.  Johnny got into his diaper stuff while we were visiting with Dan and covered himself in Desitin diaper cream.  Silly troublesome little curly-haired toddler! :)

 

 

We have found a church that we like & have joined the parish.  The church is St. James Catholic Church and it is only five minutes from our house.   They have a church & a school.  The priest is nice--Fr. Felix--he is from Spain and gives good homilies.  They have really good music, a daycare for 2-5 yr olds during mass, lots of classes, nice people, etc.  It is a nice church, but I really miss St. Anne's in Medical Lake.  I actually felt like they were my church family there.  It was a small parish and I knew everybody.  Here we are strangers in a much bigger parish.  There is a Jesuit church in Denver that I want to check out sometime too.  I miss the Jesuits.  I feel like I should be @ Gonzaga taking classes with the Jesuits right now.  It feels strange for fall to start and not to be getting ready for school.  I feel lost.  School has always been my life...I am a student & an academic @ heart--I'm meant to be in the classroom as either a student or a teacher.  Life is strange when you are suspended in midair with no direction.  When I was in school I was working towards something...right now I am just a dot in the universe, with no arrow or path stretching out in front of me.  Am I stranded in time?  Where do I go from here?  I feel like someone has hit pause on my life, but John & Johnny seem to be in fast-forward.  My life in limbo.

 

Hopefully now that John is getting into his school schedule, we will be able to adjust more to what our life is going to be here in Denver.  Lately I've been in a "creative" mood.  I'm getting more into my crafty/artsy self.  So hopefully that will keep me busy...well, in addition to the crazy business of chasing my 2 yr old around.  My adorable/grumpy/bossy/energetic/inquisitive little curly-haired boy. :)  He makes all of this worth it.  When I look at my little boy (even when I feel exasperated & worn out from his tantrums) I am filled with love & hope.  My son is my home. My son is my direction.  Is it healthy to have my direction wrapped up into the growth of a 2 yr old?  I'm sure for this part of my life, it is.  Sure, I'll always be homesick for WA...but that is because that is where my family & friends are.  But really, Denver is just another location.  My son & my husband are my home.  And it is just taking time to shift my location; to acclimate.  I hope it will be soon, because I want to take advantage of this beautiful strange city! 

Love to All! >>Jess

Changes, Changes, Changes

The past few months have been life-altering months for me and my little family. First of all, I graduated from college in May and have been floundering to grow accustomed to the fact that I am no longer a student--though I hope to be a Grad student in two years--I am merely in limbo. No more papers, no more classes, nothing...and for anyone who knows me very well (or at all) then you know I am an academic at heart. My parents have fond memories--mostly recalled with mockery--of me as a small child toting around a backpack, making pretend homework, and bossing my stuffed animals or innocent neighborhood children into playing school. People often chuckle at these little anecdotes but sometimes I wonder if these should have me worried... :) The very thought of being in limbo and having no school year to look forward to in the fall is too much for me to handle so my mind has resorted to denial and distraction.

Second of all, I am home full-time with Johnny now that school is out. I have had time (including last summer) where I have been home full-time taking care of Johnny but this is different in a lot of ways. I started my junior year of college at Gonzaga when Johnny was a month old and since then I have had winter breaks, spring breaks, and summer breaks to bond with him full-time and the rest of the time was a juggling act of being a full-time mommy and full-time student. This summer it is different for two reasons: 1) Johnny is a toddler now. This means I have to work A LOT harder to entertain him and he talks back A LOT more. 2) This isn't just a temporary thing until I go back to school in the fall...this is it for the next two years. Now, before anyone jumps down my throat and assumes I dislike being with my son 24/7, allow me to explain. I absolutely adore spending time with my son and not having other demands and obligations every day. I love that I get to be there every time he learns a new word (today it was "book" & "fix"!). I wouldn't trade this time for the world, and I know that the next two years are going to be unbelievable with him. I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mommy when my kids were young or at least only work part-time, and I actually fit into the role of a stay-at-home mommy well too. This doesn't mean that part of me doesn't yearn or mourn for the other part of me--the independent student who could spend a few hours a day discussing theology and defining myself in a way that doesn't involve poopy diapers or congratulating someone on using a spoon to eat. This summer has been about making new hobbies and adjusting into a life where I am a full-time mommy and the other identities are unknown for right now. I've mainly been keeping busy with Johnny (active, active, active!), reading, doing crafty hobbies, spending time with family and friends, and trying to figure out details for moving to Denver.

Third of all, we are moving on August 24th to Denver, CO. This is one of the biggest changes of all, considering I was born and raised in WA and have lived here my entire life (all 22 yrs of it). We are moving because John (my husband) was accepted to the University of Denver for the International Development program (a two year degree). Neither of us have ever been to Denver, but we have talked to a lot of people who have lived or visited there and have done a lot of research ourselves and it actually sounds like a really nice city. A huge city--2.5 million (def. huge compared to Spokane). The upside to how large Denver is: lots and lots of things to do with kids, lots and lots of museums & parks, and lots of free things to do. I am both excited and nervous about moving. Trying to save up money for when we move, renting a moving truck, finding an apartment via phone & e-mail, and trying to figure out everything we need to pack is a nightmare. And every day that passes and we still don't have it all figured out feels like the sky is pushing down on me just al ittle bit more...

Fourthly, John interviewed for a job with Greenpeace in Denver (interview was in Seattle) on Tuesday and he got the job!! :) This is actually something that helps make the move to Denver a little less nerve-wracking, because we know that John has a job to look forward to on Aug. 31st. John has been working at a very stable and good-paying job here for the state of WA, so the prospect of him giving up this job to move across the country without knowing if he can find a job (what with the economy) has caused some nauseousness between the two of us. At least we know that he has this job when he gets there, which will help financially. Plus, he is working for one of the coolest nonprofit organizations--what more can one ask for then an organization that promotes nonviolence and environmental respect and was founded as a protest group against nuclear weapons by draft-dodgers in Canada?! Seriously, I dare you to try and come up with a cooler background for a non-profit. ;)

Fifthly, and this is seriously one of the most monumental of the list--my baby boy is not quite a baby anymore. On the 30th, my little boy will turn 2. Every day I look at my son and I see him as a baby, with his chubby cheeks and big brown eyes and his wonderful little curls...then he will say something or walk over to give me a kiss or throw a tantrum or figure out a way to outsmart me or run around and I see a little boy who is starting to lose the chubby cheeks, whose curls will probably be cut soon, and big adorable brown eyes that still look up at me with love, but also with understanding and mischief. He is really tall now and he likes to play independently, and sometimes it makes my heart ache to know that my baby boy is definitely a toddler and soon he will be going to school and then dating girls and going off to college. He will always be my baby boy. When I look at him--even when he is a middle-aged man--there will be a moment when I see the little round face that looked up at me when I held him and rocked him to sleep as a baby. Every day is better than the last--filled with more memories and more milestones and more time with my wonderful little boy, but I still have the urge to freeze each day in time and stay with Johnny as he is forever--a little Peter Pan. But alas, I know that every little boy has to grow up, and I am excited to see my son grow more and more every day...but it doesn't make it any easier. And honestly, it makes me want to have another baby soon. [In consideration, not expecting currently, and will let people know if and when we are pregnant again, so no comments asking when we are going to have another baby. :)]

Lastly, today is our third wedding anniversary. My thoughts today have alternated between: "it definitely feels like we have been married for three years...in fact I'm surprised it has ONLY been three years" to "wow, three years already?! I can remember dating and our wedding day like it was yesterday!". Isn't it crazy how time deceives us into thinking that it drudges along and we can never get to where we want to go, but when we think about the past we become nostalgic for the time that slipped by us too quickly and won't get back? These past three years have definitely been a rollercoaster, I won't deny. I love my husband dearly and he is my best friend, but he is also the biggest annoyance to me on a day-to-day basis. I can go from "if he leaves his clothes crumpled on the floor one more time I'll deck him" to "wow, aren't I blessed to have a great guy who adores our son?". It is no easy feat switching from emotion to emotion like that, I assure you. While he may do many things that annoy me, he does lots of wonderful things too, and there are many moments spent in our marriage where there isn't much emotion involved--just us spending time together or talking about current events or whatnot. Not significant events, but ALL of these moments add up to our marriage in the end, and I'm thankful that we have such a comfortable marriage with John that we can pick up whenever and wherever and talk about everything (and I really mean everything). A lot has happened to us in the past three years--most importantly, the birth of our son--and we've learned a lot from it all.

We've learned:

Marriage means compromise--in big things and small things. Except the remote, because that is always mine. :)

Marriage sometimes means putting the good of the marriage before your own pride. Humility is not an easy virtue to acquire--it takes a lot of patience and trial & error (thank goodness I married an extremely patient man).

Marriage means knowing when to say "I'm sorry"...and meaning it. It also means knowing how to forgive, which is a lot harder than saying "I'm sorry".

Marriage doesn't always mean things are easy or that things are always romantic. Marriage is often a reality check, and if you're lucky you chose a spouse who is willing to walk with you in all of your reality--good and bad.

Marriage means not always being on the same page, but having the willingness to trust that with the right frame of mind, your two paths will weave back into one (and most likely continue to weave in an out). What's important is not that you both want the exact same things out of life or are in the same exact places, but that you are committed to sharing your individual journeys with each other and loving each other enough to be true to yourself while at the same time considering the other.

Marriage means that before I've fully woken up and inundated my bloodstream with caffeine, anything I say or do when my husband tries to make small talk in a cheery voice is fair game (he knows to tread at his own risk).

Marriage means being there for each other even when you don't want to be or when it is difficult. Even if you are angry about something that you'll forget about tomorrow (just in time for something else to happen that annoys you).

Marriage doesn't mean 50-50. It means 100-100.

Marriage means someone else with genetic culpability to blame when your almost-two-year old son erupts into a tantrum in public (made complete with a child gone boneless, red face, ear-splitting screams, and punches to the body).

Marriage means that at the end of the day--regardless of the crumpled clothes on the floor & the argument you had over money--you have a lifelong companion who is your best friend, your biggest supporter, your lover, the other person in the world who cares about your child just as much as you do, and somebody who knows your hopes and dreams. You have someone who knows how you like your Subway sandwich...makes you laugh over simple little things...who looks at you & your son with adoration and sincere love...who works hard to help make both dreams come true. Someone who is committed to trying to help you be the best person you can be and who cares about your happiness. Who could ever ask for more than that?

So, regardless of the many changes that are occurring in my life and the vast unknown that is about to occur in Denver, I couldn't have asked for a better person to journey through it all with than John. I can say with complete honesty that I love him more than I did on our wedding day and I am more committed to our vows than I could have ever imagined. Our marriage is one of the greatest things I've ever worked on, and it has blessed me with one of the best parts of my life--our son. I am looking forward to the next three years with my husband, and the next fifty after that! There are many, many more adventures and challenges ahead for us, and they won't always be easy or happy, but they will apart of us and they will shape us into who we are meant to be.

"I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make my marriage vows mean what they say. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh." --Anne Quindlen

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." --Rita Rudner

today

Do you ever get caught up in your life? I mean the day-to-day bustle of life that we all get caught up in from time to time. The errands, the to-do lists, the chores, the planner filled with meetings and papers and appointments that only a person hyped up on an immense amount of caffeine could actually accomplish...all the work that just fills time and takes away energy. The place-filler that consumes our life in the meantime, while we're "waiting" for our dreams to come true.

Today I realized that I have been caught up in life...the business of life, but I haven't actually been living it.

Sure, I'm present to my life. I show up, I smile (part of the time, at least), I participate, I get things done, I have conscious thoughts and emotions. But I'm not really, truly living. At best and at any given time, I'm only partially there. Half the time I'm running on too little sleep and too much coffee. I'm always rushing to complete the next paper, find a second to catch a quick bite to eat, clean up after my family, get all of the errands and appointments out of the way, find time to somehow rediscover the best friend and lover inside of my husband that seems like an alternate life that I once had, be an adequate mommy...one that feeds my son on time, makes sure he is played with enough and knows he is loved, the one who remembers to journal and jot down the important dates and memories. I spend my life running and running and never seeming to get it all done. Dreams become someday. Time seems to slip away from me, as I run and run, anxious to get it all done. To do everything I can to be the perfect woman. Heck, even a mediocre wife and mother would do.

At what point did we all learn to doubt? At what point did humans decide that they would instead chase after what they think they should be doing, rather than living the life they are given. What if? What if there were more hours in a day? Would I get all the things done that I feel are necessary to get done? Or would I only add more on to the list? What am I trying to run away from? What am I desperately trying to avoid??

I watched my son sleep today. Some of my favorite moments are those when my 16 month old falls asleep on me. His face completely at peace, his little chubby fist curled, lying sprawled out beside him. His head a mess of sweaty curls and ringlets. The sound of his heavy, even breathing. It is in those moments that I feel calm and peace. I look at him, and all of those to-do lists and should-haves fall away. I'm no longer worrying about all of those things I normally allow to define me...to consume me.

I'm just Johnny's mommy.

This little boy does not care if I managed to shave my legs today, this week, or this month. Nor does he care if I don't get all of my errands done or complete my impossible to-do lists. If there are dishes in the sink, if he is wearing mismatched pajamas, if I let him watch a movie so that I could get a paper done on time...none of it matters to him. All he cares about is whether or not his mommy smiles back at him when he smiles at her. That when he is crying and needs a hug, she is there with open arms. He cares that when his green stuffed Gator went M.I.A. she searched and worried for him until it was safely back in his arms a day later due to overnight delivery from his great-grandparents house. He knows that his mommy isn't perfect, but she's the only one that manages to get his cereal and sliced bananas just how he likes them morning after morning. The one who is there when he wakes up in the morning, ready to greet the world. In his eyes, I'm his mommy...and that is the only prerequisite.

I am tired of feeling inadequate when it comes to parenting, just because I don't do everything perfect when it comes to taking care of my son. Or feeling judged because I am a full-time student and a full-time mommy. Can't I be both? Why must one be sacrificed for the other? Everything I do, I do for my son. Myself comes second. Should I not want to be the best person I can be, for my son? Or am I only stretching myself too thin...dividing my time among too many responsibilities to the point of mediocrity or inadequacy on every level.

All I know is that my son never goes hungry (thanks be to God), he is always relatively clean, he has plenty of toys and for the most part a lot of my time and attention, and most of all he has my unconditional and infinite love. Nobody will love him like I do. (I'll grant that God loves him on a level that I can never obtain, but I'm talking people here.) I'm his mother...I'm the one who stays up all night worrying when he gets sick and has fevers. I'm the one who was in labor with him for three days. The one who spent my time in the hospital post-birth wheeling myself to the NICU and back to visit my son. The mommy that struggled through the first few weeks of difficulty with breastfeeding; the one who carried him around in a sling while I signed paperwork and finalized my transfer to a new college. The one who has to hold him down when he gets shots, even though it means that my heart will break right there next to him. The very same one who protected him, worried about him, was patient with him, and loved him as he grew and explored and learned new things. I'm the one who looks at him and sees his past, his present, and his future all in one glimpse. The one who sees his grin and remembers the first time I looked into his beautiful eyes and at the same time wonders if that will be the very same grin he'll have as his bride faces him on his wedding day? What joys and pains, struggles and gains will my little boy have to endure in his life? Will he look back on his life shortly before turning 22 and wonder the same things? Will he worry if he has taken advantage of every moment and every gift that has been given to him--will he regret the way he spends his time? When he thinks back on his childhood and his parents, will he resent either?

What do I have to offer to this wonderful little miracle? Why was I chosen to be his mother? What trust does God have in me that I do not have in myself?

I think I am slowly beginning to realize that the only person I am trying to prove anything to is myself. The more labels and burdens I layer upon myself, the more lost I get. Will I ever find my way back to the young woman who had dreams and aspirations to change the world?

Starting today I vow to take back my life. No more worrying about to-do lists, money, arguments, etc. Today is the day that I take responsibility for how I live my life and the person that I choose to be, and to become. The person that we are is never a completed story--we are always growing and changing, and each of us has the potential to do great things. We all have the ability to step back and take inventory of our lives and to DECIDE to live every single moment to the fullest.

My name is Jessica. I am a loving mother to Johnny, a devoted wife and best friend to John. This is what matters. This is who I am.