I guess I am now a "Denverite"...though I don't feel like one. I still find myself referring to Spokane or WA when I say "here" or "home". I do not feel like I am actually living in Denver; as if this is just some intermittent place or abstract place that I happen to be at for the time being. I'm not sure if I'll ever get used to the idea that I LIVE in Denver. Perhaps I will always view Spokane and the Northwest as HOME. That is fine with me. John says that eventually I will get used to it & Denver will start being "home" to me. He has gone through this before too, he says. I wonder if he really has? He spent his entire life moving around: Spokane-Nevada-Indonesia-California-then WA again. Sure, he has lived in WA for the past ten years, but does he feel the same connection to WA that I do? WA has been my home for 22 years...that is all I've ever known.
Don't get me wrong--I like Denver. The climate is very similar to Spokane's, there are the beautiful Rockies outlining the western horizon, trees line every single street, there is lots of things to do here, and there is a more eco-friendly vibe to the city as well. Then there are the aspects of the city that continually remind me that this isn't home: the fact that it is a city of 2.5 million, the elaborate/scary/confusing interstate & highway system, the "midwest" attitude that is different from people in the northwest, the bizarre weather (like daily rainstorms @ 3pm or the almost nightly thunderstorms), among other things. Then there is the daily reminder that I don't know anybody here. Back in WA I had all of my family & loads of friends. Here I feel all alone in a huge city. If I even want to see my family there is the daunting & exhausting-even-thinking-about-it prospect of a two day drive through the flattest, ugliest, emptiest drive through Wyoming & Montana to even get home. John has his own life with school & work. My life is the apartment with Johnny. I try to get out and do things, but the city is so overwhelming that it is hard to see myself feeling comfortable going out and doing things on a regular basis.
I finally met some people on Monday. They were really nice. Met them on a Denver Mommies group online. We got together for a playdate @ the Flatirons Mall that is in Broomfield (pretty much halfway between Denver & Boulder). I had to drive on I-270 & US-36 by myself for the first time to get there. I ended up getting lost (which I'm sure is a BIG surprise to anyone who knows me) trying to find I-270...had to have John coach the directions to me over the phone. Then when I finally DID get on I-270 I felt like that part in Clueless when they get on the freeway accidentally and are screaming because they trucks & cars are zooming by and they think they are going to die. The speed limit was either 55 or 65 depending on the part of the freeway I was on, and people were easily going 80-90...they were riding my ass or zooming by and I was clutching the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles were turning white. Johnny was sleeping in the backseat as if this was just any other drive in the car with mommy.
By the time I reached the mall I was kissing the ground in relief. The mall was HUGE--we don't have anything like these malls in Spokane. This mall was a lot better than the Cherry Creek mall we went to this last weekend in Denver--most of the shops were high-end stores that we don't have in Spokane & a lot of the people were really snobby. I finally found the outside sand pit/play area for kids and we had the playdate. The other moms were nice and both also had two year old boys. Johnny was really shy. The drive back was a lot less nerve-wrecking than the drive there, but I still felt like I had no clue where I was going. I'm not confident that I will get the hang of driving here or finding my way around in the two years we're here. It's funny, at times the two years feel like forever--like an endless amount of time that I have to endure living a thousand miles away from my family & friends. Other times the two years feel like too-short of time to see all the things I want to see here in Denver...too short of time to get used to driving or to a big city. Maybe I have a split-personality; I can't make up my mind...I have no clue if these two years should be viewed as a blessing or a curse. ??
Like I've said, most of the three weeks we've lived here has consisted of us in our apartment unpacking & trying to adjust. We have seen a few things so far: we went to Washington Park over Labor Day weekend & had a picnic, we have gone to the local park w/ Johnny, we have gone to Cherry Creek mall, we went to Kids Fun Fest 2009 (which is a lot like Kids' Free Day @ the Park in Spokane)--it was a lot of fun & they handed out a lot of free organic snacks to the kids, the Flatirons Mall (minus John), downtown Denver (when we went to the Kids Fun Fest), the library (just a local one, not the huge downtown one yet; we have library cards now though!), the University of Denver campus (where John is going to Grad school), and various stores like Target, Safeway, etc. When we were @ Kids Fun Fest, they gave out actual carrots with the long leaves and all--it quickly became Johnny's friend until he realized he could eat it and gnawed on the entire thing. :) Our friend Dan visited us the first weekend we were here, which was fun. We got to spend an evening with him & I got to use my fondue pot for the first time! :) We haven't seen Dan since I was pregnant so it was great to be able to catch up with him in person. Johnny got into his diaper stuff while we were visiting with Dan and covered himself in Desitin diaper cream. Silly troublesome little curly-haired toddler! :)
We have found a church that we like & have joined the parish. The church is St. James Catholic Church and it is only five minutes from our house. They have a church & a school. The priest is nice--Fr. Felix--he is from Spain and gives good homilies. They have really good music, a daycare for 2-5 yr olds during mass, lots of classes, nice people, etc. It is a nice church, but I really miss St. Anne's in Medical Lake. I actually felt like they were my church family there. It was a small parish and I knew everybody. Here we are strangers in a much bigger parish. There is a Jesuit church in Denver that I want to check out sometime too. I miss the Jesuits. I feel like I should be @ Gonzaga taking classes with the Jesuits right now. It feels strange for fall to start and not to be getting ready for school. I feel lost. School has always been my life...I am a student & an academic @ heart--I'm meant to be in the classroom as either a student or a teacher. Life is strange when you are suspended in midair with no direction. When I was in school I was working towards something...right now I am just a dot in the universe, with no arrow or path stretching out in front of me. Am I stranded in time? Where do I go from here? I feel like someone has hit pause on my life, but John & Johnny seem to be in fast-forward. My life in limbo.
Hopefully now that John is getting into his school schedule, we will be able to adjust more to what our life is going to be here in Denver. Lately I've been in a "creative" mood. I'm getting more into my crafty/artsy self. So hopefully that will keep me busy...well, in addition to the crazy business of chasing my 2 yr old around. My adorable/grumpy/bossy/energetic/inquisitive little curly-haired boy. :) He makes all of this worth it. When I look at my little boy (even when I feel exasperated & worn out from his tantrums) I am filled with love & hope. My son is my home. My son is my direction. Is it healthy to have my direction wrapped up into the growth of a 2 yr old? I'm sure for this part of my life, it is. Sure, I'll always be homesick for WA...but that is because that is where my family & friends are. But really, Denver is just another location. My son & my husband are my home. And it is just taking time to shift my location; to acclimate. I hope it will be soon, because I want to take advantage of this beautiful strange city!
Love to All! >>Jess
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