Changes, Changes, Changes

The past few months have been life-altering months for me and my little family. First of all, I graduated from college in May and have been floundering to grow accustomed to the fact that I am no longer a student--though I hope to be a Grad student in two years--I am merely in limbo. No more papers, no more classes, nothing...and for anyone who knows me very well (or at all) then you know I am an academic at heart. My parents have fond memories--mostly recalled with mockery--of me as a small child toting around a backpack, making pretend homework, and bossing my stuffed animals or innocent neighborhood children into playing school. People often chuckle at these little anecdotes but sometimes I wonder if these should have me worried... :) The very thought of being in limbo and having no school year to look forward to in the fall is too much for me to handle so my mind has resorted to denial and distraction.

Second of all, I am home full-time with Johnny now that school is out. I have had time (including last summer) where I have been home full-time taking care of Johnny but this is different in a lot of ways. I started my junior year of college at Gonzaga when Johnny was a month old and since then I have had winter breaks, spring breaks, and summer breaks to bond with him full-time and the rest of the time was a juggling act of being a full-time mommy and full-time student. This summer it is different for two reasons: 1) Johnny is a toddler now. This means I have to work A LOT harder to entertain him and he talks back A LOT more. 2) This isn't just a temporary thing until I go back to school in the fall...this is it for the next two years. Now, before anyone jumps down my throat and assumes I dislike being with my son 24/7, allow me to explain. I absolutely adore spending time with my son and not having other demands and obligations every day. I love that I get to be there every time he learns a new word (today it was "book" & "fix"!). I wouldn't trade this time for the world, and I know that the next two years are going to be unbelievable with him. I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mommy when my kids were young or at least only work part-time, and I actually fit into the role of a stay-at-home mommy well too. This doesn't mean that part of me doesn't yearn or mourn for the other part of me--the independent student who could spend a few hours a day discussing theology and defining myself in a way that doesn't involve poopy diapers or congratulating someone on using a spoon to eat. This summer has been about making new hobbies and adjusting into a life where I am a full-time mommy and the other identities are unknown for right now. I've mainly been keeping busy with Johnny (active, active, active!), reading, doing crafty hobbies, spending time with family and friends, and trying to figure out details for moving to Denver.

Third of all, we are moving on August 24th to Denver, CO. This is one of the biggest changes of all, considering I was born and raised in WA and have lived here my entire life (all 22 yrs of it). We are moving because John (my husband) was accepted to the University of Denver for the International Development program (a two year degree). Neither of us have ever been to Denver, but we have talked to a lot of people who have lived or visited there and have done a lot of research ourselves and it actually sounds like a really nice city. A huge city--2.5 million (def. huge compared to Spokane). The upside to how large Denver is: lots and lots of things to do with kids, lots and lots of museums & parks, and lots of free things to do. I am both excited and nervous about moving. Trying to save up money for when we move, renting a moving truck, finding an apartment via phone & e-mail, and trying to figure out everything we need to pack is a nightmare. And every day that passes and we still don't have it all figured out feels like the sky is pushing down on me just al ittle bit more...

Fourthly, John interviewed for a job with Greenpeace in Denver (interview was in Seattle) on Tuesday and he got the job!! :) This is actually something that helps make the move to Denver a little less nerve-wracking, because we know that John has a job to look forward to on Aug. 31st. John has been working at a very stable and good-paying job here for the state of WA, so the prospect of him giving up this job to move across the country without knowing if he can find a job (what with the economy) has caused some nauseousness between the two of us. At least we know that he has this job when he gets there, which will help financially. Plus, he is working for one of the coolest nonprofit organizations--what more can one ask for then an organization that promotes nonviolence and environmental respect and was founded as a protest group against nuclear weapons by draft-dodgers in Canada?! Seriously, I dare you to try and come up with a cooler background for a non-profit. ;)

Fifthly, and this is seriously one of the most monumental of the list--my baby boy is not quite a baby anymore. On the 30th, my little boy will turn 2. Every day I look at my son and I see him as a baby, with his chubby cheeks and big brown eyes and his wonderful little curls...then he will say something or walk over to give me a kiss or throw a tantrum or figure out a way to outsmart me or run around and I see a little boy who is starting to lose the chubby cheeks, whose curls will probably be cut soon, and big adorable brown eyes that still look up at me with love, but also with understanding and mischief. He is really tall now and he likes to play independently, and sometimes it makes my heart ache to know that my baby boy is definitely a toddler and soon he will be going to school and then dating girls and going off to college. He will always be my baby boy. When I look at him--even when he is a middle-aged man--there will be a moment when I see the little round face that looked up at me when I held him and rocked him to sleep as a baby. Every day is better than the last--filled with more memories and more milestones and more time with my wonderful little boy, but I still have the urge to freeze each day in time and stay with Johnny as he is forever--a little Peter Pan. But alas, I know that every little boy has to grow up, and I am excited to see my son grow more and more every day...but it doesn't make it any easier. And honestly, it makes me want to have another baby soon. [In consideration, not expecting currently, and will let people know if and when we are pregnant again, so no comments asking when we are going to have another baby. :)]

Lastly, today is our third wedding anniversary. My thoughts today have alternated between: "it definitely feels like we have been married for three years...in fact I'm surprised it has ONLY been three years" to "wow, three years already?! I can remember dating and our wedding day like it was yesterday!". Isn't it crazy how time deceives us into thinking that it drudges along and we can never get to where we want to go, but when we think about the past we become nostalgic for the time that slipped by us too quickly and won't get back? These past three years have definitely been a rollercoaster, I won't deny. I love my husband dearly and he is my best friend, but he is also the biggest annoyance to me on a day-to-day basis. I can go from "if he leaves his clothes crumpled on the floor one more time I'll deck him" to "wow, aren't I blessed to have a great guy who adores our son?". It is no easy feat switching from emotion to emotion like that, I assure you. While he may do many things that annoy me, he does lots of wonderful things too, and there are many moments spent in our marriage where there isn't much emotion involved--just us spending time together or talking about current events or whatnot. Not significant events, but ALL of these moments add up to our marriage in the end, and I'm thankful that we have such a comfortable marriage with John that we can pick up whenever and wherever and talk about everything (and I really mean everything). A lot has happened to us in the past three years--most importantly, the birth of our son--and we've learned a lot from it all.

We've learned:

Marriage means compromise--in big things and small things. Except the remote, because that is always mine. :)

Marriage sometimes means putting the good of the marriage before your own pride. Humility is not an easy virtue to acquire--it takes a lot of patience and trial & error (thank goodness I married an extremely patient man).

Marriage means knowing when to say "I'm sorry"...and meaning it. It also means knowing how to forgive, which is a lot harder than saying "I'm sorry".

Marriage doesn't always mean things are easy or that things are always romantic. Marriage is often a reality check, and if you're lucky you chose a spouse who is willing to walk with you in all of your reality--good and bad.

Marriage means not always being on the same page, but having the willingness to trust that with the right frame of mind, your two paths will weave back into one (and most likely continue to weave in an out). What's important is not that you both want the exact same things out of life or are in the same exact places, but that you are committed to sharing your individual journeys with each other and loving each other enough to be true to yourself while at the same time considering the other.

Marriage means that before I've fully woken up and inundated my bloodstream with caffeine, anything I say or do when my husband tries to make small talk in a cheery voice is fair game (he knows to tread at his own risk).

Marriage means being there for each other even when you don't want to be or when it is difficult. Even if you are angry about something that you'll forget about tomorrow (just in time for something else to happen that annoys you).

Marriage doesn't mean 50-50. It means 100-100.

Marriage means someone else with genetic culpability to blame when your almost-two-year old son erupts into a tantrum in public (made complete with a child gone boneless, red face, ear-splitting screams, and punches to the body).

Marriage means that at the end of the day--regardless of the crumpled clothes on the floor & the argument you had over money--you have a lifelong companion who is your best friend, your biggest supporter, your lover, the other person in the world who cares about your child just as much as you do, and somebody who knows your hopes and dreams. You have someone who knows how you like your Subway sandwich...makes you laugh over simple little things...who looks at you & your son with adoration and sincere love...who works hard to help make both dreams come true. Someone who is committed to trying to help you be the best person you can be and who cares about your happiness. Who could ever ask for more than that?

So, regardless of the many changes that are occurring in my life and the vast unknown that is about to occur in Denver, I couldn't have asked for a better person to journey through it all with than John. I can say with complete honesty that I love him more than I did on our wedding day and I am more committed to our vows than I could have ever imagined. Our marriage is one of the greatest things I've ever worked on, and it has blessed me with one of the best parts of my life--our son. I am looking forward to the next three years with my husband, and the next fifty after that! There are many, many more adventures and challenges ahead for us, and they won't always be easy or happy, but they will apart of us and they will shape us into who we are meant to be.

"I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make my marriage vows mean what they say. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh." --Anne Quindlen

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." --Rita Rudner