This picture is the only picture that I have of me from that night (my parents, ahem, took pictures that night, but I have yet to see any of those pictures). John took this picture before we headed to the church for Easter Vigil Mass. I dressed in a very simple white skirt and black top with a crucifix/St. Benedict medal (this was John's, from his confirmation) and a Miraculous Medal (also John's). As if you couldn't tell from the photo, I was extremely happy. So happy that I was giddy, in fact. After the baptism was probably the purest form of happiness I have ever felt or known.
My husband is a cradle Catholic, but he didn't care that I wasn't Catholic. But, I ended up falling in love with the Church anyway, in spite of his own feelings. It all happened when I was a senior in high school and John and I were dating. I had been attending a Protestant church since I was about ten years old, but I was at a point where I felt I needed something more. I had no idea I'd find that in the Catholic Church until I tagged along to a mass with John. It is hard to explain what I felt when I walked into the church...like I was home; like God had called me there. It just felt like I was where I needed to be. I knew very little about the Church, to be honest, so the next few months involved me reading books about the Church and researching the sacraments, the tradition, the beliefs, etc. The more I read, the more voracious my hunger became. I became increasingly intrigued by the Church and I felt like I was coming to understand the Bible and my relationship with God better.
The summer after John and I graduated from high school, I decided to sign up for the RCIA classes at John's parish that September. At that point I was only interested in learning more about the Church and having discussions about it, because I had this hunger to know more and understand more, and I had no idea why. This coincided with a time in which John and I grew closer and closer and were contemplating marriage. We started our college school year that fall and I started doing RCIA classes each week, with John as my sponsor. I immediately hit it off with the parish priest Fr. Jack, and to this day he is a great mentor and friend of mine. I love him dearly. He has a sarcastic personality, that I relate to that a great deal. ;)
RCIA ended up being not only a learning experience for myself, but also for John. Being a cradle Catholic, he had taken a great deal for granted about his Faith, and through these classes he was able to better understand what he believed and why. I learned some very important things about myself during this RCIA class as well. My entire life, I had been drawn to religion and had an incredible gift of absorbing scripture, tradition, rules, etc. and being able to remember them years later and have fairly dense theological discussions with adults. This was a gift that I was better able to understand through RCIA and it helped to lead me to a degree in Theology and now that I have that degree, I'm on my way to becoming a theologian and I have no doubt in my mind that I was born to be a theologian. It feels right; like part of my body or my soul. I couldn't disconnect myself from it even if I wanted.
Even through all of this, and with how right it felt, I still wasn't entirely sure that I wanted to become Catholic. I think my mind was all for it, but my heart needed a sign or something to make me feel like the Catholic Church was the only one that could feed the hunger for God deep inside. It wasn't until that November that I found that sign. A Catholic missionary - Brendan Case - was visiting our parish for the second time and John and I attended a Couple's Retreat one evening while Brendan was there. Can I just say that I love Brendan and my faith has grown so much more since I have known him; every time I see him, he fills me with fire - I become a Catholic on fire! :)
After Brendan gave a talk to all the married couples (and us few unmarried couples), we all made our way to the chapel, where there was Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament. The missionary led us through some prayers and then asked each couple to come forward together, place our hands on the monstrance, and make a promise that we start praying together every night. Now, there are three important details that you need to know about this: 1) I was only two months into the RCIA classes and I had no idea what a monstrance was, 2) I hadn't made up my mind yet if I wanted to join the Catholic Church - I was waiting for that moment when I would realize that I needed to become Catholic (I wanted my soul to feel about the Church in the same sort of way that one's body feels about oxygen), and 3) I hadn't made up my mind yet about the Eucharist.
So, with a little trepidation, John and I made our way to the front of the church as all the rest of the couples had done. We placed our hands on the monstrance together and in the most sincerest words I can use, I knew I was touching God. I knew this as clearly and as profoundly as the thought "I exist". There are no words to describe the feeling...it was as if I had gone my whole life thinking I knew what it meant to be happy and complete...and in a single instant my entire world was thrown upside down. I was surrounded by and touching and sensing God all at one time. He was there and He was more real to me than real. It is a feeling that extends beyond human comprehension or language, so for me to adequately describe it to someone else is nearly impossible. It was like a fire was consuming me, but not a painful fire...like a passion...an all-consuming power and feeling of love and hope and peace all rolled into one. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world (the only other powerful experience that great was the night of my baptism when I felt completely filled with God and light and love and hope and purity all at one time). Once we had finished with our pledge, we removed our hands from the monstrance and immediately the moment was over. And I had never felt so empty in my entire life...like I had been filled and completed in ways I had never imagined and then every last piece of brightness and beauty had been sucked out of me. It was like having your eyes filled with colors and shapes and then in an instant complete darkness and nothing. It was like It was like losing the ability to see, but knowing that there is still something out there worth seeing, but you just can't quite reach it. Knowing beauty existed out there and wanting to grasp hold of it. Once I let go of the monstrance, I began to weep as I walked back to the pew. My body heaved with silent sobs, tears streamed down my face, and I knelt in prayer.
I was dazed and a little confused when we were headed home afterward. I tried to act as casual as I could, and asked John: "So...what exactly is a monstrance?" Then he patiently explained to me that a monstrance holds the Eucharist - so basically, it held Jesus. My mouth literally fell open. When I explained to John what I had felt, it all suddenly came together for me. It made sense for me in my mind, my heart, and my soul. That was the night that I knew without a doubt that I was going to become a Catholic, because the thought of living a life anymore without the Eucharist was unthinkable and unimaginable.
John also shared an experience he had with the Eucharist with me as well. It was about a year before this event; he had been at a teen retreat with Brendan Case and each of the teens were encouraged to spend an hour alone with the Blessed Sacrament in prayer. John said he was looking at the Blessed Sacrament in the monstrance one second and the next he was looking at Jesus sitting on the altar looking at him. Not in a real physical form like you or me, but he knew it was Jesus and he couldn't keep his eyes off of him. And afterward he walked to his car and just wept. It was one of the most powerful spiritual experiences in his life. And it changed his entire lookout on his faith.
Once the decision was made (how could I not choose God after what I'd experienced?), I felt more at peace with all of it. John and I were engaged that December and that following Easter Vigil was my baptism. Three months to the day after my baptism was supposed to be our wedding (it just sort of happened that way). Lent was an extra special time of preparation for me, as I prepared to confess my sins and then be cleansed of them in baptism. This didn't make the idea of Confession any less scary and intimidating to me, however. For some reason, I didn't want to go to my first Confession with Fr. Jack, even though I trusted and adored him greatly, so John took me to the Cathedral that morning for my first Confession...only to discover that they weren't hearing confessions that day in preparation for the Easter masses. So, I ended up having to go to Confession/Reconciliation with Fr. Jack anyway. I'm sure God was having a good chuckle on my behalf, but I can't really be angry about it, because as it turns out, God knows what He is doing. :) It was really wonderful that I was able to experience that with Fr. Jack rather than some random priest; he made it so comfortable and freeing, that I walked away with a wonderful feeling about Reconciliation, rather than an intimidating or bitter reaction.
That evening was Easter Vigil Mass. My parents and grandparents came to this celebration for me, even though only one of my grandmas was Catholic. It meant a lot to me that they showed up to support me in this very joyous and important decision. John was my fiance at the time and my sponsor for Confirmation. His parents were my Godparents for my baptism. I wore a white robe that I decorated myself, and I chose St. Helen(a) to be my patron Saint. She isn't an extremely popular saint, but I spent several months reading about saints - popular and obscure - until I finally read about her. She was the mother of Constantine, who legalized Christianity in the Roman Empire after centuries of persecution. She was a convert to Christianity and is a patron saint of converts. She was a strong influence in the conversion to Christianity of her son as well. She also led the expedition to the Holy Land and was part of the group that discovered the True Cross that Jesus was crucified on. She seemed to me like a strong woman who wasn't afraid to be a leader in a time when women weren't considered leaders.
The baptism itself is hard to explain. I had no idea what to expect or how I'd feel afterward. I wondered if I would feel different at all? Fr. Jack poured water over my head three times and said: "I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit" and as the water washed over me, it was as if a transformation took place within me. A warmth and light built up inside me and it was as if the weight of my body disappeared. I don't even have the words to describe it. I felt like I was filled with God. I had goodness, truth, light, and happiness bursting forth from me and I felt completely and utterly clean. I was completely and utterly free of everything except good inside of me, and I definitely felt that way. I felt a million times lighter, as if I was walking on air. I had the biggest smile on my face, and there was no way that I couldn't help but feel giddy and uplifted and connected to God. I was so completely and utterly filled with God for the rest of the evening and the next few days that I can honestly say that I have never been that happy and pure and full of light at any other time in my life.
I am so immensely happy and grateful that I was able to experience such an awesome experience and feeling. I wish that feeling could have lasted forever, but alas, I am still human. I sin, but I have the gifts of the sacraments to reconnect with the Lord and be filled with the light of the Lord, and I know that my sins will be forgiven. I really can't describe adequately that night or how it felt...it is impossible to describe being filled with God, who is bigger than our words. All I can say is that it was beautiful. And I'm grateful to feel this on a different level every time I leave Reconciliation or receive the Eucharist. It is an amazing thing to have God so close to my heart. I feel more free and filled with love.
Four years later and I am still in awe from the night I was baptized, confirmed, and received my first Communion. It was the most incredible night of my life. Other amazing days of my life include my marriage, the day my son was born, and the day my son was baptized (the day I graduated from GU summa cum laude with a degree in Religious Studies was also a really wonderful day). My husband has a hard time understanding how I felt the night I was baptized because he was a baby when it happened. I realize how lucky I am to have experienced something like that as an adult, but I also appreciate the beauty of baptizing a baby too. :) Today I remember the commitment I made four years ago, and the beautiful gifts that God gave me. It was a beautiful evening and I have a beautiful, blessed life. It has been four years since I really began to LIVE! I hope everyone else had a very glorious and blessed day as well. :) Thank you, Lord for your sacrifices and your eternal gifts.
God Bless!
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