Gratitude

What a surprise - it's been a while since my last post. I feel like I can't even promise regular blogging until I have my life back in order. The best I can do is promise to want to blog, and hope that some moments converge with that desire enough where I can post something. :)


Things have changed since my last post in August, but in some respects, not as much as I would like. 


*Johnny is still super cute and learning so much. I love my little four year old boy. :)


*I'm still babysitting. Still. It keeps getting extended, and right now my 'new' end date is November 30th. On one hand I desperately want it to end. I miss my sleep and my independence. I'm tired. On the other hand, it has helped to have a little extra money each week...even if it is only a little. I guess I'm both grateful but also frustrated at the same time. I want it to be over, but I don't want us to suffer because of it ending. The upside is that when I agreed to continue babysitting this last time (since the end of October), I changed some things around. She had another babysitter lined up to help some, so I now don't babysit on Saturdays anymore, which means I have Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off. That helps a lot. I also don't work holidays, which means I don't have to worry about missing out on something because I have to babysit. :) I still have to get up at 3:45am every morning Tuesday through Friday (and some occasional Mondays when she has to work and I agree), but it is more manageable since I actually get a weekend to relax and unwind with John and Johnny. I'm very grateful for this, even if it means even less pay each week. :)


*John has a new job! He was hired back with the state...doing what he did before we moved to Denver. We're really happy because it means we have health insurance again (well, we're in the process of getting it set up for Johnny and me) and he makes more money than at the grocery store. He works normal hours now: 8am-5pm, Monday - Friday. It is really nice having stability in that regard and being able to plan things in advance. It's absolutely wonderful having weekends together to spend as a family, and the evenings. With this job, we would be able to move out and get a frugal little home. Except that his job is most likely going to be temporary until March... We're so grateful that he has the job for now, because it lessens some stress for us. At the same time it's also frustrating and difficult to know that we could go back to a stressful situation in a few short months. It's frustrating and difficult because it's hard to justify moving out right now and taking on a lease, when we might not be able to afford it come the spring. Which means we're stuck here in my parents' house where we feel unwelcome at times (even though we're extremely grateful) for even longer. When we desperately want to get out. If it were up to us, we would've been out as soon as possible and never looked back. Instead we have to be responsible and think ahead a few months to when we could go through financial hardships again. It's just so frustrating and stressful. Neither of us are asking for high paying jobs or incredible benefits...we just want a job with a living wage. The job he has now with the state pays little by any standard, but it is just enough to live on a frugal budget and maybe even save a little for our future. It has health benefits. It allows for us to pay our bills and for me to stay home with our son. That's all we're asking for, really.  That's all most Americans want a chance at: a living wage. It's so hard to be resentful that this might be temporary considering so many don't even have this opportunity. We're so immensely grateful for this job, even if it is brief. Is it not understandable that we would be frustrated that we have to start all over in the spring? I want to lament about this, but I can't. I want to breathe a sigh of relief right now because we can pay our bills, but there is always that nagging reminder in my mind that it is going to be over soon. That we could end up being here with my parents for an indefinite amount of time. Suffocating. If any of you are even reading this and are the praying type, we could definitely use some prayers. We're so grateful and happy as a family, but we're still desperately praying for John to be hired permanently with his job, or at least for it to not end in the spring. For us to get this information soon so we can know we can move out and take on a lease. Life is confusing sometimes.


*Our little family is getting weekends together and it is really great to spend them doing fun things: parks, seeing new places in Spokane (we're really loving being back in Spokane, even if our living situation makes all of this seem bleaker than Denver), taking family photos, spending time with family (grandparents, which is awesome!), etc. :) 


*Halloween was a lot of fun. :) Johnny ended up being a dragon, and he was super cute. I made him a tissue paper fire prop which really added to the costume. When we went trick-or-treating he was super polite and cute and was saying "Trick-or-Treat!" this year instead of "Trick-or-Cheese!". :) Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up! I'm very excited to be back in Spokane for them. I hope they both end up being good holidays. :)


I guess that is all that has changed thus far since my last post. So, like I said, things have changed, but really the changes aren't that big. At least not as much change as I'd like. If it were up to me, we'd be in our own place, I wouldn't be babysitting anymore, and John's job wouldn't be temporary. And maybe we would be expecting a baby. *sigh* I guess we can't always get everything we want, right? :) 


Right now we're trying to focus on gratitude. Being thankful for all that we have, even if there are some very large sources of stress and unhappiness right now. When you don't have control over some things, you just have to be as happy and thankful for as many things as you can. Try to change what you can and just embrace or make the most of what you can't. Some days we struggle with that more than others, but that's our focus right now. :) In the meantime, we're praying for change. Since I can't change some of the large things and I often feel like I'm suffocating, I try to focus on the small things. I'm trying to focus on developing some of my hobbies and passions. Spend a lot of time laughing and learning and playing with Johnny. Laughter with John and Johnny is key. Making our own little refuge to escape everything else with our little family is also important. Falling in love with Spokane all over again and spending as much time with our extended family and friends as possible are also helping us to feel like this move back here was a good decision. We're just taking it one day at a time. :) 


Our family mantra right now: 


"Hope multiplies strength a hundredfold. It anticipates difficulties but is not dismayed by them because it knows that with God it can do all things." - St. Frances Cabrini  :)